There is a moment when lines blur. It usually happens in the midst of having to do a difficult and often fast decision, like whether to go to something I should go to but could skip or to go somewhere I want to, but that would make me skip. I start searching for reasons, I throw pros and cons all over the place, I analyze everything, and most of the time I still don’t get an answer.

The problem resides in questioning my motivations I think. I start seeing that I want skip because it is boring or whatever, but also because I could do some more good on the other place. What is good or bad starts to mix in, the good intentions and the bad intentions. I start doubting my own drive and that is when I lose.

Because if there is something I hate but that could not be more present in my life, is making decisions. And I am not talking about those big, life-changing decisions, but the small ones. Whether to buy some chips or save the money. Whether to go with this friend or this other one. Whether to start studying now or in five minutes (a.k.a. never). Which burger to order at the fast-food restaurant.

I hate that I have to overthink everything to such a degree that these decisions leave me almost completely paralyzed. That I cannot just go with the flow and do whatever and not worry too much about the minimal consequences my actions will have because, again, they are very small decisions. And then the big ones, the ones that change my life, those I do without any kind of difficulty. I truly do not understand myself sometimes.

And so the only way forward has been to leave things to fate. I learnt how to say “throw a coin” in Japanese just so I could tell the voice assistant every time I need it. I let other people choose for me, either by asking them to tell me a random number or by directly letting them. Anything but going down in the spiral of pros and cons. It is truly tiring to be an overthinker.