I have a very effective way of abstracting myself. I only need something to do. A task that requires some concentration. Something that distracts me while all goes down in flames.

It happened today. Since yesterday I am not feeling quite well, physically speaking, and today I had a day of rest. Of doing nothing important for the whole day. Or rather, nothing that actually matters. I did work on a project I need to turn in soon. I did clean my whole filesystem. And in doing so I missed doing everything I want to do to have a good life. Fully knowing what I am doing. But completely removed from it.

I missed several things I needed to do today. Several things I wanted to do today. I spent the whole day in front of the computer, doing things that were objectively useful and that I needed to do but that have left me completely blank. Empty.

And I hate days like these. Days when I feel like I am just a machine doing things, not really caring about what I do or how I do it. They are days devoid of color. Devoid of what makes life special. Just task after task, problem after problem, stack trace after stack trace. Just crunching numbers, like a boring calculator.

I want color. I want life. I want to feel the breeze and count the clouds. I want to make something worthwhile out of my life. And I know that I’ll feel better. And I know it’ll be more fun. Yet I just continue there, completely apathetic even to these longings. Detached from reality and completely numb.

I didn’t even listen to music today…