It’s very easy to lose control, nowadays. One small slip and I’m down a never-ending slide. All it takes is one interesting thing. One activity that requires me to solve problems. The moment I get one I cannot stop working on it.

I have no self control for these things. I start, innocent to everything, on a new project, and suddenly is 1AM and I’ve been in front of the computer for 16 hours, doing nothing but that project. I lose track of time, of responsibility, of everything. And even though I definitely enjoyed those 16 hours[¹], I did nothing but that. How insane is it?

And then, at 1AM, I get the full blow of the consequences of it, and I have an anxiety attack, and I have to deal with the enormous pile of tasks that has formed in my absence. And I end up doing a shitty job of everything because all the time I had to do all those tasks I spent doing something else.

And the real problem is that I do not mind it. I have long ago internally accepted that it is a small price to pay in exchange of whatever I am obsessed with at the moment. I, fully knowing that this is (yet again) going to happen, continued happily doing my own thing and leaving everything behind.

I wish I had a bit more strength, sometimes, so these things could not pull me so much. Be it a project, a book, a series, anything that interests me ends up absorbing everything else. I am not able to balance. It is either all or nothing. And I honestly do not know how to solve this.

[¹]: In retrospect, at the moment I was angry at everything because it didn’t work automatically and perfectly on first try