Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just do things? Like, think of it, then do them, with no interference between the two. And yet I cannot. I’m going to be honest, it is getting pretty annoying, having to fight myself every time I want to do cool things. Every time I want to get something done, every time I want to stop doing something I know is harming me.

There’s this wall that sits right in between wanting and doing. Sometimes it gets higher, sometimes lower. Some days it just disappears while others it is completely insurmountable. Most of the times it is high enough too be a constant annoyance without being an actual hindrance.

For a long time I thought the problem was motivation. Like a ladder, motivation helps me go over the wall and get things done. The higher the ladder, the more walls it will help me skip. And thus the problem was getting a high enough ladder, which is simple enough.

And yet, as time goes by, I keep realizing that it is not lack of motivation. I have all the motivation in the world, all the reasons to do that one thing, but I still cannot do it. If anything, I have too many reasons, which I keep repeating to myself over and over while still failing miserably. Sometimes motivation does not matter, for some reason.

Maybe it has to do with my perception of motivation. I can have all the good reasons, I can list them off, like a robot, but if they fail to reach my emotions, they don’t really matter. Emotionless facts can be manipulated easily to stop being facts or to lessen their importance to the point of not mattering at all. Most times I lack the strength or motivation to do stuff, these reasons feel muffled, as if seen through a hazy glass that blurs them enough so that they cannot reach me.

That is the most annoying part. Even though I know what drives me, even though I have specific and clear goals that I work very hard to make attainable through concrete steps, sometimes it still does not matter. Even the easiest little step feels like a marathon when the reason behind doing it stops being clear, even if in the realm of reason it is.

There are days (much like today) where everything feels like that. Where the whole world is muffled, as if heard through thick cotton. Where being excited about something stops mattering. On these days I largely lie emotionless in bed, trying to distract myself from the gilt of not doing what I wanted or was supposed to do through whatever meaningless content I can find on the internet, stopping long enough to invent and send excuses to whoever was depending on me for something.

Being around people helps somewhat, although effects are normally neither strong nor permanent. Still, it’s nice, and that’s why even when I am feeling really bad I do my best to meet with friends whenever possible. It’s the only “sure” way out.

Maybe I am being too analytic about this. After all, life is unpredictable enough that these mood swings are not an uncommon thing. On my darkest hours, however, I do wonder if this is just a mood swing or maybe something more serious. I am woefully ignorant on causes and symptoms of mental health issues, and honestly I am a bit scared to research them properly. Can’t have depression if I don’t know about it, amirite?

In the end, I guess the reason does not really matter. It happens, and the only good answer goes through making the effort anyway. Sometimes life is just hard, sometimes the wall is too high, sometimes there is nothing I can do. Most of the time, however, I can at least try.